The God Who Sees You

The song came on, it's bass tones heavy, like the beating of a heart, and I was transported. My one year old in arms, I closed my eyes and rocked with a gentle bounce to the music. For a moment I was back in that tiny recovery room holding my newborn, attached by short wires to a heart monitor and IV pole. We could only pace about 2 feet. He cried so, so much. Rocking side to side became our soother. And this song. The crying, for whatever reason, ceded when it came on. Desperate, I put it on replay.

To be honest, I was also mad. Mad at the doctors for making us stay. Mad at myself for many reasons. Mad at God- seriously, Lord, had I not been through enough already? I knew I was wrong though. And as that song played over and over, with the lyrics cooing, "Surely, you are good, but MY heart ran away..." I wept. Yes, I was experiencing suffering, but in the midst of it I had also turned away from God, grappling for control, focusing in on my self, my pride took over.

But, in both my distress and in my sin, God met me. I have discovered a woman in the Bible he also met in that way. Hagar was a servant girl of Abram and Sarai (you might remember them as Abraham and Sarah- this was before their name change), who likely knew the wealthy family's problem. Babies eluded Sarai. And she was getting older and impatient. Hagar probably listened to the fights stemmed from Sarai's frustration over not being able to provide an heir. Being infertile in Biblical times would have made the top 3 of a woman's stressors. Enough so that Sarai handed Hagar over to Abram to produce an heir. The book of Genesis says, "When Hagaar knew she was pregnant, she began to treat her mistress, Sarai, with contempt." Hagar got mean with Sarai.

It doesn't take much to empathize with Hagar's distress. She's GIVEN to Abram to have a baby. GIVEN. This was not a love triangle in a romantic comedy. She doesn't fall in love with Abraham and produce a child. She is given like an object or a machine to produce something. A baby to be exact. My guess is she wasn't a "glowing" pregnant woman. She didn't make the choice to have morning sickness, or a sore back, or to have to pee every 5 minutes, or to have swollen ankles. Not to mention, the work of woman was exponentially harder in the Old Testament, especially for a servant.

The Bible doesn't go into great detail of Sarai and Hagar's relational woes, but the dynamics of a servant girl having a mistress' baby makes me wonder if Hagar thought Sarai should be giving her special treatment. She was having her baby after all. One commentator of the story says, "Servants, when favored or advanced by God or man are apt to grow haughty and insolent, and to forget their place and origin." Instead of growing in humility, Hagar's distress produced a rearing of her pride that caused her worst self to overflow in her boss' direction. Maybe she thought voicing her frustration would help?

Our sin however will always produce unwanted (and likely unintended) consequences. Sarai got mean back (as goes the story between women...) I imagine she did the very opposite of giving her special attention, not only forcing Hagar back into her usual duties but probably making her work harder. We often read this story and put the weight of sin on Sarai, which she is more than guilty of, and justify Hagar's next step: running away into the wilderness. But Hagar's prideful spirit was still at work in her and led her not only to sin further (running away from her responsibility as a servant) but also into the danger of the wilderness, which in Israel is not a lush forest but a desert, a place of certain death for woman alone and pregnant.

A thought I had about this is that our sin, as it grows, without repentance, it most certainly will produce the worst circumstances you can imagine. For Hagar, it started with pride, maybe some anger, then some choice words for her mistress. That led to running away, all the while it all seemed justified. Until she finds her self in a most precarious position.

That is where God meets her.

Sometimes God brings us into places of wilderness to wander around awhile so that we can see the results of our choices and the loss we bring upon ourselves by not choosing righteousness. Often, this place of despair is the best opportunity for repentance and renewal. Which is just what happens with Hagar. The Angel of the Lord tells her to go back to her mistress: directive to repent, to return to what is right. He also gives hope for her distress- "I will increase your descendants so much they will be too numerous to count." He promised a safe delivery of a baby boy (a safe delivery was a big deal- for many women then died in childbirth.) And a great nation would be born from her, a servant. (Modern day Turkey is supposed to be traced back to Hagar's son, Ishmael.)

I've never noticed Hagar's sin in all of this. I only read God's love for her in her distress and uncontrollable life circumstances. (Like how dare Sarai treat her like that, and I would run away too!) I've also never noticed that her repentance and returning to what is right is what turned her circumstances around for her. The astounding thing is that God meets Hagar in her distress AND her wrongdoing. Amazingly, nothing can keep us from God's love. HE PURSUES US no matter what we've done.

This a normal act of God. The Bible says when we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Most people are willing to die for someone who is special to them, and some people might even die for someone who is especially good. But God showed great love for us by sending Christ to die when we were at our worst. (Romans 5:6-8)

Hagar was at her worst in the desert. She appropriately names God, "The God who sees me." It would have been a great hope for someone who was probably quite invisible before all of this began to know God saw her. It brings me hope to know that God sees me! Another song I love says, "In a crowd of 10,000 people, you don't miss a thing." (Amanda Cook "You don't miss a thing.") This song played as I crossed mile 6 of my recent half marathon, and all I could think about was the 3,000 women running with me. He sees ALL OF THEM! Even more than that, I was floored to think, He knows all of them, everything little thing about them! I have been delightfully reminded what Psalm 139 says about all of those women, all of you women (and men!) reading this:

O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

Every single moment of every single day of every single woman (and man). Incredible.

God saw Hagar. God met her when she least would have expected him. In her place of sin. In the wilderness, where she shouldn't have been. And in her distress.

He sees me. I'm breathing that in right now.

He sees you too. He not only sees you, He pursues you, meeting you where you least expect it to restore and revive your broken heart. He is not caught off guard by our situations, our emotions or  our sin. He meets you to convict, but he is most interested in restoring. With the author of Psalm 139  and Hagar we pray, lead us on a path of everlasting life, Oh Lord. Show us where we've gone wrong and put us back in the right direction, for you are the God that sees us. Amen.

Some Fears...

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me; He delivered me from all my fears."

Psalm 34:4

Some fears are irrational...
        I consider myself a pretty rational person, but lately I'm realizing I have some seriously irrational fears and worry about the worst happening more often than I'd like to admit. Case in point, I have a thing with my kids wearing their gloves in the car at all times in the winter. I worry that we'll get into an accident while it's -20 outside (thank you Iowa Dot for sharing the 30 car pileup video), I'll fall unconscious and them being bundled will be the very thing that saves their lives. I got into a fight with my 5 year old over this matter and upon relaying the incident to my husband, his jaw dropped as if I was crazy (which I was totally offended by, but can laugh at now.) My husband has some guts 'cause he straight up called me out on that one. I have since amended my ways.

Some fears are confusing...
        These are ones that are somewhat reasonable but pretty much emotionally and not logically driven. Your feelings scream at you to be worried but when you think long and hard about them, logic pulls you in the other direction. Usually in the midst of all that thinking, I tend to just become crippled by the conflicting evidence. What do I actually believe about this?? They also tend to come from the "news"...

        For example, dry drowning.

       In the summer I have laid awake in my bed at night wondering if going to the splash park was REALLY a good idea 'cause my kid could be dry drowning in the room next me. I know it's a real thing. But how many of us remember our dads or brothers tossing us up into the air only to lose our grip on our noses as we hit the water? And we survived! I practically drowned every time I went in the wave pool as a kid. And if experience were not enough, facts should be. The amount of people that die from dry drowning in a year (about 3,000-ish) sounds high until you find out that that same amount dies each DAY from car accidents. Do I flinch every time I get into the car? Nope. (unless the kids don't have their gloves on...) Yet there I am, googling the symptoms in the middle of the night. I will vacillate on end between the facts and the emotions, confused and worn from the worry.

But some fears are legit...
     This is probably going to hit a nerve, so this is my "this content contains graphic images" warning. With things like the flu and school shootings, keeping our kids alive is becoming terrifying. The flu is almost laughable in light of the other.  I'm probably going to lose a few friends here but I promised humble transparency: we don't vaccinate against the flu. Though I am stalwart on my decision, you know what I thought (and prayed) the night my baby got a 103 degree fever? "Lord, forgive me of my pride if I was wrong on that one." My mama's heart was SCARED. I sense some judgment. But whether you get your kids vaccinated or not, the sickness has probably kept you up at night, AMIRIGHT?

    The other fear though.

    Man alive. This past week my husband and I had a discussion I NEVER thought we would have. Do we talk to our 5 YEAR OLD about the possibility of a shooter coming into her school and what to do about it if they do? (I'm on the verge of tears thinking about it!) We have to consider the possibility and weigh the impact of what that conversation would have on a kindergartner's mind. I feel like the worst thing that could have happened to me growing up in school was getting lice or getting my period and everyone knowing it. But now, we have adolescents that are rallying for gun control. I mean, what the heck?

So let us come boldly before the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy and will find grace to help us when we need it most. 

Hebrews 4:16

And that's not the end of it. We are surrounded by things to be afraid of. The news thrives on it. Facebook perpetuates it. And we become crippled by it. I used to think I wasn't afraid of anything. Now, as I think of it, I could list a hundred things:


I am afraid my car seat isn't installed correctly....


I am afraid I yell at my kids too much...


I am afraid my marriage isn't going to make it...


I am afraid I don't have the stuff for parenting...


I am afraid someone will judge me for just about anything...


I used to be afraid that I wouldn't have children...


Then, I was afraid that my children might have a disability that I wasn't sure I could handle...


I am afraid that I will get sick and die too early...


I am afraid my husband (or my kids!) might die too early...


I am afraid that my children will walk away from the God I love...


I am terrified they will do it because of me...


The list could be infinite!

As I come to terms with this myself, I find the Lord speaking to me, "Who told you to be afraid of all that?" In a social media world, we are BOMBARDED with opinions, the most horrifying of news (because those are the one's that get the most attention), and judgments.

He is not like the rest of the world. He is not going to start a fire fight in the comment section of your prayer.

I am then reminded by Him that "God has not given us the spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 (I love the Young's Living Translation that substitutes "self-discipline" with "a sound mind.") God is not the one who teaches you to fear. Our identity in Christ teaches us that we can boldly approach the throne of God with our requests (i.e. our worries and fears): "...since we have...Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. [He] understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." (Hebrews 4:16)

Back to my sick baby for a moment. The second half of my prayer went something like this, "You know God, I know you are in control of when we take our first breath and when we take our last, AND I know that you are good. So if you choose to teach me a lesson about pride tonight by taking him, I get it, you're in control. But please don't. I need your mercy, AND your grace tonight." The honest words flowing from my heart surprised even me. But then I realized that's a good place to be. Honest.

When it comes to our fears, we can go to God boldly with them and get resolution. We can express our heart to him and fall flat on our face as just us. No judgment for not getting that vaccination. He is not like the rest of the world. He is not going to start a fire fight in the comment section of your prayer. That is his MERCY. But I hope you caught that second half of the verse that says, "and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." We are not powerless against all these things that are worrisome. We are united with Christ and so have "every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms" according to Ephesians 1:3. Ephesians continues to say those spiritual blessings are freedom from the bondage that comes from sin (fear is a product of the sinful world we live in), forgiveness of sins (so if you've messed up in this parenting thing...), kindness from him (what does kindness toward us mamas look like from an all powerful God? What a thought!), wisdom (to sort through the confusing stuff), understanding, and inheritance from God, along with everything working out according to HIS plan (though that might not look like what we have in mind-it's still good.) We have a LOT going for us. We have it all in fact! Power because God is on our side. Love because God forgives, and cares for us. And a sound mind or self-discipline because God will provide wisdom and understanding.


Because God.


My 3 year old's favorite Bible story is baby Moses. We act this out pretty often....sometimes she's the mom, and I'm the Egyptian Princess or vice versa. I have even been baby Moses once or twice when a box large enough to fit an adult makes it's way into our house. On a day when I was the mom, I wrapped the baby doll up, placed it in one of our hobby lobby baskets and pretended to put my baby in the Nile River. It occurred to me that Jochebed (let's give that mama a name!) put her 3 month old  IN. THE. NILE. RIVER!

I don't even let my baby near the toilet bowl for fear of drowning! At first, I thought, this woman was so terrified of the Egyptian army slaughtering her baby that she would rather take her chance with the crocodiles. But upon studying this passage in Exodus 2, I realized something more than fear was dictating the actions of this mama. My commentary says her "plan involved both intelligent planning and trust in divine providence."

  "She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future."

Proverbs 31:25 

Intelligent planning. Wisdom. Understanding. She made a plan and took action under fearful circumstances. The government was coming for her baby. Her news feeds would have been filled with horror stories if social media existed then. She hid him for 3 months- what a feat to hide a newborn! She made a basket and waterproofed it (that sucker was going to float!) Get this, the Hebrew word used here for basket is Tevah, the same term used for Noah's ark. She made that boy a BOAT. And then Miriam, his big sister, hides out waiting to see what would happen to him and when the princess finds Moses, Miriam "suggests" a nurse maid that happens to be her mom (and Moses'). It's like they planned the timing of it and Jochebed told her daughter what to say.

Of course it could have gone all wrong. Jochebed had no idea if one of the Nile Crocodiles would have found Moses before the princess did. From what I read on National Geographic the run-in's between humans and these vicious reptiles are pretty frequent even today. She also didn't know if the princess would have compassion on the baby. I mean her father was the one who issued the decree to kill all the babies and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree right? So in several aspects she had to trust in a good God who would work out all according to his plan. (Although she didn't even have that Bible verse yet!) Putting her child in the river reeds was act of faith, not just a last ditch effort to save his life.

Fear can distract us from our mission to love God and love others and to teach our children that same mission. Jochebed did not let fear distract her from her mission. They Bible says she knew Moses was a special baby. It was her God given mission to preserve his life. There were very real fears, but she acted boldly despite them, because God gave her the power to do so. And we got MOSES. We laugh about the absurdity of my kids having wearing gloves in the car, but in wisdom my husband said, "we want to avoid instilling those kinds of fears in our kids." Why? Because fear keeps the missionary grounded. I want my kids to be brave, be bold, with a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. Like a Moses. If that's what I want then I have to walk in God's power, love and self-discipline as well.

So fear can take a hike.






Some ideas I'm putting into practice for kicking fear to the curb:

1. Fighting fear with the Truth of scripture. Tapping into the idea that God has given me everything I need to be on mission for him in the Truth of scripture: He has not given me the Spirit of fear. (1 Timothy 1:7), I can go to God for help (Hebrews 4:16), I can trust God to take care of me and my family (Psalm 121), etc.

2. I want to stop perpetuating fear in my family and in others. For me this looks like not constantly saying, "be careful!" or "be safe!" every time a family member leaves to run to the grocery store or does something that might hurt them. Maybe I'll try to start saying, "Be brave" or "Be bold" instead? It also means taking care in what I post to social media. I don't want to post things that cause more fear since there's already enough of it. I'm guilty of it. I'm going to ask myself why am I posting this? Is this helpful or harmful? Will this add to goodness to our world or 'cause more fear?


Got any other good ideas?? Let me know your thoughts in the comment section!





*As a side note, I would invite you to use your search engine of choice to look of scriptures about fear. SO much scripture on it! Good to have a couple of those in your pocket the next time you get on Facebook. :-)





 

Bending Bows

            Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Psalm 127:4

I'm taking a step of obedience here. 

In my walk with the Lord, I have always thought my calling was to "loose the chains of injustice" caring for the poor, the orphan, the widow. My heart has long been turned towards the work of missionaries and I had wanderlust long before millennials began calling it that (that's a great term for it though!) And though I got a bachelors degree in Intercultural Christian Ministries (To be a missionary...) and a masters in Culture and Communication, when I got married to a youth pastor I knew I was making a choice to follow his career path which would likely land us in the United States. (Now I live in Iowa!) And when I started having children, I swore I wouldn't stop traveling the world. Nothing was going to change. And I fought that for quite some time. But things do change. They have changed. And I'm ok with the season of life of I'm in for now. 

It will only be through the formative power of God's written word, the Bible, and through the listening of the Holy Spirit that we will become the mom's and dads that will raise God-fearing, mission focused children.

I still care deeply about the poor, the marginalized, and those without a voice. I still fight for them in my own quiet prayerful way. (I still write about it in my other blog!) But motherhood has left me questioning my invisibility. Quite frankly, it has stripped me of my know it all pride and brought me to a place of prayer and reliance on God's wisdom for my day to day and his sovereignty in my future. It also made me hungry for the encouragement and community of other woman who are doing the same things, the same dishes, the same diapers, the same sleepless nights that I am. So I created the group of Band of Mothers on Facebook to connect with some of my wisest mom friends! We shared prayer requests, advice, and encouragement. It turns out I'm not the only one who needed it! 

I found myself thinking about this group and praying for the parents represented in it. As a writer, I also found myself wanting to share what I was learning about parenting from the Bible, from sermons I heard, from my day to day walk as a mom leaning on the Holy Spirit for wisdom, and from books I was studying on raising children. I thought, start another blog. Then I thought, really? Do I really have time for another blog? I barely have time for the first one!

In the fashion that God has spoken to me at other times in my life, the thought would not let me go, no matter how much I brushed it off. This was God whispering to my heart. He has now given me a second passion- the redemption of the family and the strengthening of mothers through the empowerment of God's word. 

I want you to walk away with my humble transparency, a dependence on God and a steeped in the Bible parenting cup of tea.

It will only be through the formative power of God's written word, the Bible, and through the listening of the Holy Spirit that we will become the mom's and dads that will raise God-fearing, mission focused children. One's that will also care about the poor and the marginalized and carry God's great commission. This is not another mommy blog post. I don't want to toy with your emotions (heaven knows, we already have enough of that!). I don't want you to become overwhelmed because you are "not doing it right" (whatever that looks like!) I will try my best not to make you fear that you are not "cherishing every moment" (because that is a tall order for a parent living on very little sleep and patience). I want you to walk away from reading this feeling grounded. Empowered. Whole. And the only way I know that is possible is to give you the Truth about parenting as it is in the scriptures. That you can do this through Christ. That mistakes you make are forgiven in Christ. That Christ is sovereign in your life and in the lives of your children. 

I want you to know, that while I was voice texting my ideas for this blog post, I burned the kids' grilled cheese sandwiches. That I always burn grilled cheeses and often a curse upon the grilled cheeses slips out because I am not perfect. That's what I want you to walk away with:  my humble transparency, a dependence on God and a steeped in the Bible parenting cup of tea. 

"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let our bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, So he loves also the bow that is stable. 

-Kahilil Gibran

I desperately want my children to go forth from me, not as my arrows, but as His arrows, loving God, loving others. If that means sacrifice, as He bends me to His will, I will "Let my bending be for gladness." I hope to share that bending process with you here. Welcome to the first of hopefully many Band of Mother's blog posts: Bending Bows.